Ep.2/ How to Reconnect With Your Partner
By Sophie Hussenet
Feb, 22nd 2023
Reconnecting with your partner after having children is a common challenge, and it requires conscious effort, patience, and a willingness to adapt to new circumstances.
Parenthood changes many aspects of life, including how couples experience intimacy, both emotional and physical. The key is to actively nurture the relationship, rather than assuming that time and circumstances will eventually "fix" things. Here’s a breakdown of the most important strategies to rebuild intimacy and closeness after kids
1. Don’t Wait for the Perfect Time
It’s easy to fall into the trap of waiting for a more convenient moment to reconnect. You may think, “Once the baby sleeps through the night” or “When I lose the baby weight.” But as Michele Weiner-Davis warns, putting off intimacy can create deeper problems down the road. There will never be a perfectly calm moment, so it’s vital to take action now and make your relationship a priority despite the chaos of parenthood.
2. Prioritize Physical and Emotional Self-Care
You can’t give from an empty cup. If you're depleted emotionally or physically, it’s hard to be present for your partner. Both parents need to carve out time for self-care to build up the energy and emotional bandwidth needed to reconnect. Whether it's getting enough sleep, exercising, talking to friends, or even going for a walk alone, self-care is crucial. Dr. Alexandra Sacks, a reproductive psychiatrist, emphasizes that feeling connected to your own body and sexuality is an essential foundation for rekindling intimacy with your partner.
3. Communicate and Share Vulnerabilities
Parenting often brings stress, mental overload, and emotional fatigue. Having an open dialogue about the invisible mental load, especially with regards to caregiving and household duties, can reduce tension and free up space for intimacy. As Dr. Sacks suggests, talk about what you need in your relationship and ask your partner what they need, too. Share vulnerabilities, and make time to emotionally check in with each other, not just about the kids, but about your relationship.
4. Revisit Old Intimacy Rituals
Think about the things that helped you feel close before kids — whether it was long talks, date nights, shared hobbies, or physical touch. According to Dr. Sacks, a great way to start reconnecting is to recreate some of those old rituals in modified forms that fit into your new reality. Even if it's just a few minutes at the end of the day to talk about how your day went, it can create a meaningful connection.
5. Start Slowly and Be Patient
After a baby, it’s common for intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, to take a backseat. Don’t expect things to return to how they were right away, and don’t rush your partner if they’re not ready. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, recommends starting slow and building physical intimacy from the ground up — kissing, touching, and hugging, just like when you first started dating. This helps to reconnect emotionally and physically without the pressure of jumping straight into sex.
6. Create a “Magic Circle” for Intimacy
Dr. Nagoski suggests creating a mental “magic circle” around your bedroom where you can mentally separate yourself from the roles of parent, caregiver, and all the other responsibilities that weigh you down. This space, even if it’s a shared mental space rather than a physical one, allows both partners to access the erotic and intimate aspects of their relationship, free from distractions.
7. Rely on Each Other (and Outside Support)
Don’t hesitate to lean on extended family or close friends to create space for your relationship. Asking for help with childcare, especially during difficult or busy times, can give you both the freedom to reconnect. Couples who support one another and ask for help when needed tend to have stronger relationships, according to Dr. Sacks.
8. Recognize That Intimacy is More Than Just Sex
Intimacy doesn’t only refer to physical sex; it includes emotional closeness, trust, and mutual support. As Rick Miller, a psychotherapist, explains, intimacy is also built through everyday acts of loyalty, shared commitments, and enjoying simple moments together at home. Couples can engage in meaningful rituals, like watching a show together, cooking a meal, or even sharing a quiet moment after the kids go to bed.
9. Be Proactive — Set Intentions and Make Time for Intimacy
Karen Jeffries, who has two children, shares that her relationship with her husband is stronger than ever, but it requires intentionality. She and her husband plan time for physical intimacy, sometimes even sending playful messages to each other to create anticipation. Scheduling intimacy can feel awkward at first, but it’s a way to ensure that it doesn’t get pushed aside by the demands of parenting.
10. Consider Couples Coaching or Therapy
If reconnecting feels difficult or you’re facing challenges with mismatched libido or unresolved issues, consider seeking outside help. Some couples benefit from coaching or therapy, even if just for a few sessions. As Dr. Nagoski points out, building intimacy can take effort, just like any other habit. A therapist can provide strategies and a neutral space to help both partners work through their concerns.
11. Accept Different Sexual Desires
Not everyone experiences sexual desire in the same way. Some people have spontaneous desire, while others experience responsive desire (where sexual interest grows in response to physical or emotional stimulation). Understanding that both are normal can help reduce pressure or frustration. It’s important to communicate openly about sexual needs and desires, without judgment, and be willing to try new things to reignite passion.
12. Set Boundaries — Especially with Co-Sleeping
For parents who co-sleep or share a bed with their children, intimacy can become challenging. Dr. Weiner-Davis suggests that it’s essential to set boundaries for your relationship, even if it means transitioning children out of the bedroom when the time is right. Creating physical and emotional boundaries helps preserve the sacred space between partners.
Rebuilding intimacy after children takes time, effort, and a shift in mindset. The most important thing is to remember that intimacy is not an automatic result of having a break or going on a date night. It requires consistent nurturing, both individually and as a couple. By taking small, conscious steps and being patient with yourself and your partner, you can reconnect and strengthen the bond that existed before children arrived.
